My husband hates glitter. He can’t handle the herpes of art supplies in any context. He has done something genius to combat having to use glitter with our 4-year-old, Kate.
He has convinced her that he is allergic to glitter.
She believes it. (Toddlers will believe a lot of things if you say it with authority)
When she wants to use glitter to make a craft she asks me when Dad is gone because “Dad is allergic so we can’t do it when he is home.” I go along with this because less glitter use is good for everybody.
I’ve decided that I want to be allergic to some things too.
- Picking up pieces of banana off the floor. If you’ve never had to do this then just keep doing what you’re doing. It’s the worst. The texture, the squish, and the fact that if you leave it for 25 minutes it hardens and sticks to any surface like an enormous booger make this my least favorite food my children eat.
- Meetings that could have been accomplished with an e-mail. These are 90% of meetings, especially as a teacher. You’ve been in these meetings, they usually involve someone reading you a powerpoint presentation or telling you maybe a paragraph worth of information in a time-span of 45 minutes. Just stop with these. You better be funny or at least provide some hella’ good snacks if you are going to make people come to those.
- Being the only parent that can lactate. We’ve put a man on the moon, cured polio, have self-driving vehicles, and can fly across the country in 4 hours yet something is too tricky about milk coming out of a man. They have the equipment and most men are only using them to have moobs (man boobs) or spending too much time at the gym to have enormous pecs. This way everybody is a winner! I don’t need him to do it all the time. Just once every day, preferably at 4:30am. That way I don’t have to watch because let’s be real, it’d be weird.
- People that only say negative things. These people are truly the worst. I had a co-worker like this once that I unfortunately shared a break room with. I gave up using the microwave at lunch because I couldn’t handle it anymore. Don’t be the person that deprives others of joy (or hot food).
- When someone is talking about something difficult/time-consuming/intricate and guilt trips you that “it’s so easy.” Examples of this: making homemade baby food, cooking 30 meals at once, cloth-diapering, making homemade wreaths, running, knitting, the Whole 30, you name it. It’s not true. Some things are easier for some people and more difficult for others. It’s ok. We don’t have to be the same. If you find great joy washing poop out of clothing that has been intentionally pooped in over and over, you do you. I’m going to keep throwing diapers away so my trash men can play paper, rock, scissors to see who is getting the trash cans from the house that smells like complete and utter death. We can be friends, but if I don’t do everything your way don’t push it on me.
- Being puked on by another human. I don’t think I need to expound on this besides saying that the day Kate learned to say “I need the bucket” is a parenting milestone that people don’t celebrate near enough.
So if you want to throw bananas on the ground, be a Debbie-downer, puke on me, hold a meeting that shouldn’t happen, or try to get me to cloth-diaper just be aware that I am allergic from now on.