The stomach flu.
You’ve gotten that fated phone call from school saying “Timmy just threw up.” Or you were driving down the road (because cleaning a carseat is definitely ideal) and a child (who was fine moments ago) starts puking everywhere.
Pukemaggedon has hit your house. Here are 10 things that happen next if you are a parent.
- Your child loses their ability to sit or sleep on or near any porous fabric. Unless their bed sheets are made of ponchos they are relegated to a bed made of towels.
- Your child has a bucket with them all the time now. If you have to go in the car with them there are at least 3 towels on hand and a bucket on their lap.
- You gain superhuman speed at the sound of a suspect cough. No longer are you moaning and groaning to roll out of bed, you get your feet on the ground with a NFL combine worthy 40 time while running around furniture, upstairs, and through doorways to get to the puker before everything is covered in puke.
- The anticipation of catching it yourself becomes too much to bear. All of the sudden you feel like a “24” character in a parking garage full of unmarked vans or a jogger on SVU. It’s coming, but you don’t know when. You also start having nausea brought on by paranoia.
- Eating food becomes terrifying. Everything you eat or drink you question if you would be ok never ingesting that again because it may come up and it will be forever ruined for you.
- Your home becomes a temporary leper colony. No one wants what you have so your kids are off-limits, even the well ones. You start wondering if you are ever going to be able to leave the house again.
- You think about offering the walgreen’s pharmacy drive thru employee cash to get a few essentials. There’s no reason they can’t walk 20 feet through the store to get a gallon of milk, right?
- You rack your brain with everything your child could have touched that day or has ever touched in your house and you Lysol it. Then you ponder what level of Lysol to air in a confined area is even healthy for humans.
- On day two of lockdown you’ve reached the depths of Netflix and you are watching things that should have never been made. Things like Canimals, Baby bum music videos, and the Octonauts.
- When you disclose the illness to the parents of the exposed children in their class you feel like you are telling a former partner they need to be tested for STD’s.
Best of luck this stomach flu season and may your immune system be ever in your favor.