An Open Letter to the Plants that keep dying in my Yard

Dear Plants,

First of all, sorry about the situation you are in. But let’s be honest, you must have done something along the way to get yourself deemed worthy of 75%-90% off your suggested retail price, because Lord knows I’m not putting any full-price ferns in my cart. I can’t be taking financial risks like that because if history is any indicator, you are going to die soon. 

It’s not intentional, I’m not going to stomp on you or rip you out of the ground before your time has come. You and I, we just don’t see eye to eye. These flower beds you are in, a more apt name would be death beds. There’s no palliative care going on here either because I’m pretty sure death by lack of nutrients and thirst are no easy way to go.

There are a few things that could help our relationship though.

  1. Better labeling in the plant section. I would like to suggest a 1-10 difficulty to keep alive scale. Plants labeled as a “1” you can plant in a cave, water them with gatorade and they will THRIVE! “10” plants require 3 hours and 26 minutes of direct sunlight, unicorn tears, and weekly poetry readings to live.
  2. Someone in my life that thinks gardening is therapeutic. I’ve heard that these people exist. My husband and I are not these people. This person could come to my yard anytime for free therapy sessions. They don’t even need to call ahead, just show up. I promise if I see a stranger in my flower beds with gardening tools I’m not going to yell at them to get off my property. Instead I’ll bring you a glass of water, a cold beer…WHATEVER YOU NEED FOR YOUR THERAPY!
  3. I need you to not need a blanket. I don’t care if there’s a “hard freeze” coming. YOU LIVE OUTSIDE AND ARE PLANTED IN DIRT! You get no blankets. Blankets are for humans with central nervous systems, not greenery. So stop being a wuss and just keeling over after it hits 31 degrees once or twice.

So this Spring, let’s try this once again. Just stay alive this time.


The Lady with a Black Thumb





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