One Foot in Front of the Other

The other day I was doing a guided run on the Peloton app and the coach said something that struck me, “all we can do is put one foot in front of the other.” Obviously, this isn’t a novel concept to me…I mean, I’m a runner. But maybe, this needs to get applied to other aspects of life in this current season.

As someone who just reentered the teaching profession after a 5-year hiatus, there is a lot of uncertainty going on within schools in America. Whether you are teaching virtually, face-to-face, or a combination of the two…no one really knows what to plan for. Well, maybe one thing you can plan for is an earlier wake-up call, I just recently rediscovered that teachers have meetings at 7:00am and it’s an acceptable practice somehow. In reality, no one in any setting has had firm plans for the past 4 months besides “be ready to pivot.”

There is something we can do though.

We can keep putting one foot in front of the other, because our reaction is the only thing we are in control of.

Getting frustrated and paralyzed by all of the unknowns isn’t going to serve anyone. So what we can do is move forward, one step at a time, with the information given to us. We aren’t in control of the decisions being made or the minutiae of the details, we are in control of ourselves and our attitude.

So my motto for the year is to put one foot in front of the other. No matter how blind those steps may feel, sitting and getting mad/crying/frustrated in the middle of the path isn’t going to get me to my destination.

Let’s all move forward, together.

Faith Over Fear

Faith over fear.

This is a phrase you may see on t-shirts, bumper stickers, or on your facebook feed. But I’d like to examine what this looks like in the wake of COVID-19. 

First let’s look at a passage of scripture from the gospel of Mark:

On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.” And leaving the crowd behind, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. Other boats were with him. A great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke him up and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” He woke up and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” Then the wind ceased, and there was a dead calm. He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?” And they were filled with great awe and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?” Mark 4:35-41

A couple of things stand out to me in this passage.

1. The disciples were in actual danger. It wasn’t a figment of their imagination or something that was just all over the media. There was a storm, they were in a boat, there was legitimate concern for their well-being. 

Which makes Jesus’ reaction to them even more thought-provoking. He wakes up, and has two commands of the sea. “Peace! Be still!” We can apply these same commands to our lives in the midst of this crisis. 

Peace. Peace is something that seems far away in the current news cycle. Peace isn’t dependent on our circumstances because it’s not found in the stock market, our routine, or anything else. We know as Christians that peace is found in Christ alone.

Be still. Jesus was talking to waves in this instance, but social distancing gives a new perspective on being still. You may not be racing out the door for soccer practice or a board meeting, which gives a unique opportunity to practice being still before the Lord. By slowing life down, we should have eyes that are looking for him in new and different ways. 

   2.  “Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?” Jesus asks the disciples this challenging question. These men had seen amazing things before their eyes during their time with Jesus. But even then, Jesus recognizes their fear as a symptom of their lack of faith. 

I challenge you to take some time talking to your spouse or a friend about your answer to the question, “Why are you afraid?” The fears during this time are valid, and it’s necessary to process through those emotions with someone. 

We know that we will go through trials in life, but as Christians we have hope in the God who can move mountains, speak the world into being, and raise from the dead. 

My hope is during this unprecedented time, that the church and our homes aren’t defined by fear, but by our faith in Jesus who is our living hope. 

As parents, our perspective in the midst of this will shape the climate within our homes. Do we see Jesus as someone who just doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation? Or as sovereign over all? Our kids are watching, more than ever, so I pray that the climate of our homes may be one of faith and peace in our savior instead of fear.

Who’s on your pace team?

Last week, history was made in the athletic world. Eliud Kipchoge broke the 2-hour barrier for the Marathon. Which is insane. The man ran a 4:33 mile pace for 26.2 miles. The feat was incredible, the athleticism absolutely amazing. But those guys running behind him and going absolutely nuts in this picture…that’s how he got there.

They’re known as pacers.

A pacer is someone who runs at a pre-determined speed in a race. Other runners follow or stay with the pacer, to ensure that they’re running at their desired speed. A good pacer must be a steady, consistent runner who is focused on maintaining their speed and helping other runners realize their goals.

Over 43 people helped pace him on this attempt. They blocked the wind for him, encouraged him, cheered him on, and celebrated his victory in the end. You know how many names of these pacers I know? Zero. Because they weren’t in it for themselves.

You may never run an actual race in your life, but everybody needs a team of pacers.

You need people who are going to yell at you to keep going when things get hard.

You need people that remind you that “you got this” when you don’t think you do.

You need people who will block the wind for you when you can’t do it for yourself anymore.

You need people who celebrate your wins with you, even when it doesn’t benefit them.

You need people who will push you to be better, to call you out when you’re falling short.

Roles will shift within your pace team. There will be seasons of life where you have the margin and the ability to lead the pack for awhile. But there will be times where you need people to carry you during hard miles because you have nothing left to give.

So find your pace team. Be a wind blocker when people need it. Celebrate your people instead of competing with them. Then run hard together, because a together is always better than alone.

 

Becoming a Marathoner: Part 2, Running towards Pain

I’m a 7 on the Enneagram. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’ve written about it before Here.

As a 7, my core motivation is to avoid pain. Which I do, all too well at times. For example, if someone tells me about a movie that made them cry, I make a mental note to never watch that movie. Because who wants to be sad? Why would I actively pursue being in emotional pain?

So the marathon doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for me because as it turns out, there’s not much about running 26.2 miles that is comfortable.

If you’ve never run a full marathon, there is a serious amount of pain involved. Ryan Hall, (USA Olympic Marathoner) wrote in his book, “Run the Mile You’re In”, that he saw himself as a “professional pain manager.”

Just the 26.2 miles itself is a grueling task, but if you are trying to run faster than ever before…the training is possibly more uncomfortable than the race.

So when I set out to cut a minute off of my mile time, I had a lot of uncomfortable workouts in front of me.

If you have ever tried to improve something in your life, it requires getting uncomfortable. If you want to run faster, you have to push past physical boundaries. If you are in a relationship, it’s initiating a hard conversation that strengthens your relationship, but it’s not fun in the moment. At work, it could be starting tasks that you aren’t 100% confident in or even worse, actually asking for help.

Just doing what you’ve always done isn’t going to make you better, at anything.

Suffering and failure are great teachers, but too often we avoid them (or help others avoid them) at our own detriment.

The more I’ve thought about this, the more I’ve come to realize that no good or worthwhile thing in my life was birthed out of easy.

So I got outside my comfort zone. I ran sprints. I ran more miles and faster miles than ever before. And it paid off. A few weeks ago I ran 6 mile repeats at a 7:41 pace. Last year this time, I could have maybe ran one mile at that pace, if I didn’t have to do anything else for the rest of the day.

I ran towards pain instead of running away from it. And it’s been hard, but worth it.

 

 

 

Becoming a Marathoner: Audacious Goals, Part 1.

I’m a runner.

But, I would have never used that word to describe myself a year ago.

I mean, I ran, but I was very much a casual runner. I’d go on 3-4 runs a week for about 3 miles at roughly a 9:00-9:45 pace. I even wrote about my lack of running prowess a few years back here.

But then, in August of 2018, a stranger said an off-hand comment to me. (Seriously, this is how this all started.)

I was picking up my kids from childcare at the gym and the childcare worker said, “Do you run marathons?”

I laughed, and said “no.” She said, “oh, you look like someone who runs marathons.”

So I got my kids home and proceeded to live my normal life. But those words kept coming to mind…”you look like someone who runs marathons.” Then I had the thought, “MAYBE I AM SOMEONE WHO RUNS MARATHONS!”

However, I couldn’t just sign up for a race immediately. I’d had some heart palpitations a few years back while training for a half marathon 4 months postpartum (probably not my best athletic choice FYI). It always happened when I got to mile 9, I’d just stop and stand still for a minute, and then it would go away. I had some tests done at the Cardiologist and everything checked out fine, but I was still weary of long distance running.

I told myself that I’d start a training plan, build up to 10 miles, and if I was heart problem free I would sign up for the Houston Marathon that coming January. At this point, I hadn’t told anyone that I was thinking of running a marathon.

So I started running more, building up to higher mileage with no reoccurrence of the heart issues I’d had a few years back. (Looking back now, those were probably because I was drinking espresso before I ran.)

A couple weeks into training I told my husband that I wanted to run a marathon, and since I was going to be running a marathon I might as well try to qualify for the Boston Marathon. His response, “that’s like for serious runners, not saying you can’t do it, but that’s a lot.” He was right, because there was no part of me that was a serious runner at this point. I mean, I still ran in cotton t-shirts sometimes!

To put it in perspective, my Boston qualifying time is 3:35. That comes out to a 8:12 average pace…for 26.2 miles.

Let’s just talk about past running performances and how far off I was from this.

High School Athletics 2000-2003: I NEVER ran Track or Cross Country a day in my life. Soccer was my sport, which obviously involves running, but not running against a clock. You run in soccer to be faster than the person running next to you to get the ball, not for a specific time. I avoided Cross Country like the plague, just running “without a purpose” seemed like torture to me. So when my Dad told me I needed to play a Fall sport my options were Tennis, Cross Country, and Volleyball. I figured my 2 weeks of tennis lessons in 5th grade probably weren’t going to be enough to land me a spot on the High School team, so that was out. I REALLY didn’t want to run Cross Country because I heard those people puked after races and peed on themselves when they ran and I wasn’t interested in that. So I did the obvious thing, I signed up for a week-long volleyball camp, learned a new sport, and had sheer athleticism carry me to a spot on the freshmen team. **My apologies to the actual volleyball players that didn’t get a spot on the team due to me avoiding running.

College Athletics 2003-2007: I played collegiate soccer. So I ran for time roughly 10 times over the course of 4 years in preseason fitness tests.

September 2008: Ran a 2:00 half marathon prior to my metabolism dying or birthing any humans. Had never run more than 8 miles, had no idea about chafing, ended the race with open wounds along my sports bra line.

September 2008

October 2010: Ran a 2:10 half marathon due to peer pressure, signed up 3 days before the race and my highest mileage at the time was 5 miles. I couldn’t walk up stairs for a few days.

April 2016: Ran a 2:19 half marathon 4 months after having my 3rd child, I was easily 25 pounds overweight still.

April 2016

March 2017: Ran a 5K with an average pace of 8:31.

All of these races, weren’t my idea. I only did races because I was doing them with friends. I really never paid attention to my splits or how fast I was running because I was just running to not need to buy new clothes, not to beat anyone.

Needless to say, if I was going to qualify for Boston in my first ever marathon, I had my work cut out for me.

Stay tuned for part 2.

 

Making Veggies Sexy Again

“Eat your vegetables.”

This was possibly the most hated phrase I heard in my childhood…because no one made vegetables well in the 90’s. (Sorry Mom)

Veggies at our house growing up consisted of the following:

Canned Green Beans

Steamed Broccoli (AKA, warm and soggy trees that required a LOT of cheese to make them palatable)

Canned Corn

There were a lot of cans going on when it came to vegetables. That Jolly Green Giant had one heck of a marketing plan because everyone believed those were better.

Fast forward to being a young adult that was now responsible for cooking meals. I had no idea and no desire to even attempt to make vegetables because THEY ALL SUCKED in my opinion. So I just lived that happy carb life with minimal green on my plate.

Fast forward to having three kids and my metabolism straight up leaving the building.

I could not kick the last of the baby weight and knew something needed to change with our eating, so my husband and I did the Whole 30. (If you are new here, here’s that post: Losing The Last 10 Pounds: A Whole 30 Story)

In the process of completely changing the way we ate, I discovered vegetables. Fully aware they existed before, but I had no idea they could taste good. Now I’m a total veggie nerd. If we are having a potluck dinner with friends, that’s what I bring (because we know how to party). We frequently will have dinner and I’ll realize that all I have is a protein and three different vegetables because I couldn’t decide on just one or two.

So here are my go-to veggies. Please note, ALL OF THEM are roasted because that is the easiest way to make them delicious. So if you have an oven and a sheet pan, you are in business.

1. Parmesan Roasted Brussel Sprouts

For these I chop the end off of the Brussel sprouts then slice them in half. Once I have enough for the amount of people (I’d say 10 or so sprouts per full-sized human) I put the following on.

Olive Oil (1 tablespoonish)

A pinch of salt

A dash of pepper (I do 3-4 grinds on my pepper grinder)

1 Tablespoon of Parmesan Cheese (I just use grated parmesan)

Stir all of that in a bowl. Grease your baking sheet and cook at 375 for 20-25 minutes. I cook them until they are slightly golden and the small leaves that fall off on the pan are dark brown.

*If you want to make these even fancier you can add 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar, a handful of bacon crumbles, and top them with feta. This officially puts them at the “healthyish” level.

***If you were scarred by Brussel Sprouts as a child, you need to ask yourself a couple of questions. 1. Were they steamed? 2. Were they boiled? If the answer to any of those questions is yes then I offer my sincerest condolences, but you need to give them another chance in your life. Soggy, small heads of lettuce aren’t going to light anyone’s fire…but roast them and you have a different ball game.

2. Roasted Sweet Potatoes

If you’ve only been eating sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner, buckle up friend, because your carb life is about to get revolutionized. I used to think the only way to stomach sweet potatoes was with a stick of butter, a cup of sugar, and marshmallows on top. I WAS WRONG.

There’s a lot of variations to these, but what I do is chop them in half inch cubes or half circles, depending how lazy I feel about chopping that day.  Here are my two favorite ways to roast them.

Savory Option:

Olive Oil

Salt

Pepper

Rosemary

Sweet Option:

Olive Oil

Salt

Pepper

Cinnamon

Mix in a bowl with your sweet potatoes, grease your baking sheet, put the potatoes on the baking sheet, then bake at 375 for 20-25 minutes or until they are tender with a fork.

3. Roasted Broccoli

I used to put a lot of questionably yellow liquid cheese on my broccoli as a kid, not anymore.

Divide Broccoli crowns then add the following:

Olive Oil

Salt

Pepper

Grated Parmesan Cheese

Mix, grease your trusty baking sheet, then bake at 400 for 10-12 minutes or until they start turning brown.

4. Roasted Cauliflower

I was hesitant to jump into the Cauliflower game…mainly because it smells like B.O. when its raw. But if you can get past that, Cauliflower can bring a lot to the table. This is a tasty little treat for Football season.

Divide Cauliflower head into small pieces

1 tablespoon or more of Buffalo Sauce

Stir to combine, grease your baking sheet, bake at 375 for 20-25 minutes. This definitely has some kick to it, but you won’t even notice that you’re eating vegetables with this one.

5. Roasted Parmesan Tomatoes

I used to NEVER eat tomatoes by themselves. In pizza sauce? Sure! On a burger? No problem! Then I discovered these.

Slice tomato into roughly 1/2 inch rounds.

Top with shredded Parmesan Cheese

Sprinkle a dash of Italian Seasoning on each one.

Grease your baking sheet, bake at 375 for 10 minutes or until cheese is melted. They are like a little pizza that never makes your pants tighter! Total win. I also like to make extra of these so I can put a fried egg on top of one in the morning for breakfast.

 

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading and happy veggie eating!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ADHD: Not an Academic Death Sentence

In High School I would walk up to get a Kleenex, even when I didn’t have a runny nose.

On the rare day that I didn’t exercise as a kid, it was hard to fall asleep at night.

I started stripping wallpaper in our master bathroom 16 months ago, it’s 25% finished.

There is no Professor in the entire world that could keep my attention for the duration of a Tuesday/Thursday college class.

I’ve never even attempted to watch the Lord of the Rings movies because the sheer fact that they are 3 hours long makes them impossible for me to sit through.

I currently have 10 tabs open on my internet browser.

I finish other people’s sentences frequently. (whoops)

I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). 

I’ve been diagnosed with this since High School. I’ve had seasons of my life where I was medicated, some when I wasn’t.

I’ve never viewed my ADHD as a detriment. I wasn’t taught by my parents that I was broken or less than as a result of this diagnosis. If anything, it’s my superpower because once I do FINALLY get focused in on something, watch out because it’s happening at twice the focus and determination of a normal person.

But after spending 8 years in public education and being a private tutor for the past 3 years, I’ve learned that most people have a completely different perception of ADHD.

The conversation around ADHD needs to change.

I have had multiple calls from prospective tutoring clients that are mind-boggling to me. There are so many parents that see their ADHD child as academically broken. Or worse yet, incapable.

So as a functioning adult with a Master’s Degree who contributes to society, this is what I want to tell parents of ADHD children, those who think their child may have ADHD, or maybe parents that have realized that they have it themselves.

1. ADHD doesn’t make someone dumb. Bottom line. Hard to focus? Yes. Hard to sit still? Yes. Low IQ? Absolutely not. Incapable of academic success? Nope.
2. Medicating your child is not going to ruin them. I took medicine in HS and College (Ritalin) and in the past few months I have gotten back on medication at the ripe old age of 33. I’m not addicted to it. I didn’t take anything during the 6 years of my life that I was either pregnant or nursing a child but now that I’m on something again, I’m pretty much superwoman.
3. Being active is going to be the best self-medication you ever do. You have to burn that extra energy off somehow. So encourage your child (or yourself) to be active. Run, play sports, go on walks, get a trampoline, etc.
4. Stop apologizing for having ADHD. It’s just how some people are wired. Let them be fully themselves, even if it’s a little intense for the average bear. Teaching your child to be confident in who they are is the best lesson they will walk out of your house with one day. No one looks back on their life and wishes they’d changed who they are.
5. All bad behavior is not because of ADHD. I am perfectly capable of making bad choices all on my own and they have nothing to do with my inability to focus well. So don’t use ADHD as a scapegoat for your child acting a fool, sometimes people just act like fools and you don’t need a medical reason for it.

So next time someone says, “oh, they have ADHD” in a negative tone, set them straight.

 

***Disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional, just a person who has lived with this disorder for most of my life.

 

 

Opting-In To Your Life

A little over a year ago, our city was devastated by Hurricane Harvey.

Our house wasn’t flooded, but 4,000 homes in a 5-mile radius of us were. We stayed and rode out the storm, we housed friends that lost power, picked up friends who got evacuated from their homes by boat, and did whatever we could to help. Once the water receded, the clean up and relief efforts were in full swing.

At the time, I had a 5 year old, 3 year old, and 18 month old. Due to the ages and sheer volume of my kids, I didn’t think there was anything I could do with the relief efforts. I couldn’t help gut a house when I had my 18 month old with me.

My husband, Clint, was going to be busy mucking houses and spearheading relief efforts for the foreseeable future. I decided I was going to drive to Kansas City to my parent’s house for a week or so with the kids so we would be “out of the way.” I packed our suitcases and was prepared to leave the next morning.

But then I saw a text message on my husband’s phone. It was from one of our friends and it said, “It would be helpful to have childcare so more adults could help.”

I started thinking about what providing childcare would look like. I talked it through with my friend, Whitney, that was living at our house during the storm.

At that moment I decided, I’m staying here and doing this.

I sent a text message to the nursery director at our church, Jane, and asked if we could open the church nursery the next day for people that were flooded or were assisting with relief efforts. Jane had just gotten off the phone with her daughter who had asked her if she was going to do that exact thing. Truly, the Lord had this whole thing planned out way before we did.

So we did it. We opened up childcare to our community, served over 500 kids and had over 100 volunteers over a 5 day span. We even had an impromptu fire alarm at nap time on the day we had 195 children.

Hands down, it was one of the most impactful, exhausting, and meaningful weeks I’ve been apart of.

Every night I walked past my packed suitcases on my bedroom floor and was thankful I stayed.

I was fully prepared to do the thing that made the most sense, the easiest option. I had to choose to live into the purpose that was right in front of me.

When you have young kids, the excuses to not do things outside your four walls are plentiful. Babies are hard. It’s exhausting, draining, and at times can feel all-consuming.

So as a result, we opt-out of our own lives. 

We watch Netflix instead of talking with our spouse at the end of a long day.

We say no to every social gathering.

We say no to every service opportunity.

We have another drink to destress.

We tells ourselves that “it’s just not my time to make a difference.”

We avoid hard conversations because keeping the peace is easier than broaching difficult subjects.

We take the easiest option presented to us, every time.

Opting-in to our lives requires us to do things that are hard.

The hardest things in life are the ones that shape us the most.

So say yes to things that sound hard, require more coordination, sound crazy on paper…because most likely, those are the things that are going to change you.

Opting-in is always worth it.

All too often we think our purpose is going to come eventually or worse, we think we don’t have one.

We can’t live a life that we don’t have, so live the one you do fully.

The hard lesson I’ve learned is that my purpose is exactly where I’m at, with who I’m with, with what’s in front of me. If we spend our lives waiting for some grandiose calling instead of pressing into the life that we are in, then what’s the point?

The life stage you’re in? The place you’re in? The people in front of you?

It’s what you’re called to at the moment, so opt-in to your own life.

Fully Me-An Enneagram Journey

“If you could tell your 18-year-old self one thing, what would it be?”

This was the question posed to me this morning during an ice breaker. My immediate answer?

I wish I would have known my Enneagram number.

For the past couple years or so, I’ve been hearing about the Enneagram. For those that don’t know, the Enneagram is a personality typing system that gives 9 different personality profiles, each of them are a different number, 1-9. People I trust and respect were talking about the Enneagram and the subsequent self-realization they had as a result of finding out their number, but I put it off. For months. The reason I didn’t take the ten-minute test? I was afraid of what I’d find out.

But one day, I finally took the test. I found out I’m a 7 on the Enneagram. Here’s a brief description of a 7:

Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain
Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilled
Enneagram Seven with a Six-Wing: “The Entertainer”
Enneagram Seven with an Eight-Wing: “The Realist”
Key Motivations: Want to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain.

If you know me at all personally, this is pretty much spot-on. Creepily spot on.

You may be thinking, “how is this different than the million other personality tests I’ve taken?” What is different about the Enneagram is that it doesn’t just look at what we do as people, it looks at WHY we do it. It examines the motivation behind how you operate.

A lot of the things I learned about myself in Enneagram research was really just putting a name on things I had always done, but never really thought much about.

Knowing my number has brought so much healing because for years I was deemed “too much.” If you are an outspoken, extroverted female, you’ve probably been told this plenty of times too. So I tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to “tone down” who I was depending on the group I was with. What I always viewed as broken within me was really just who God made me to be.

Lack of self-awareness is a pretty big issue in life. It’s rampant in our society, hence people go on American Idol that can’t sing a tune. If you want to grow, be in healthy relationships, and begin to accept yourself…it’s essential. Within the Church self-awareness stops at “you’re a sinner” all too often. There has to be more to it. God didn’t make us all different so we could try to be the same. The Lord gives every person different gifts, different personalities; we need to live into those and not be ashamed of who we are.

If you’ve made it this far, here are some resources if you want to dive into the Enneagram world. I highly recommend it, it’s kind of like having a backstage pass to people.

Enneagram Test (There’s a ton out there, but this one is free): Enneagram Test

Podcast: Typology with Ian Morgan Cron https://www.typologypodcast.com

***He interviews different number types. I truly thought to myself, I didn’t know anyone else thought these weird thoughts…turns out people do. For instance, a lot of 7’s give people nicknames.

Books(There are a LOT of books out there, but I’ve read these two):

The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron

The Sacred Enneagram by Christopher L. Heuertz

As an FYI, once you know your type, you’re going to want to know all the people in your life’s number. Buckle up, it’s a journey.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Open Letter to the Plants that keep dying in my Yard

Dear Plants,

First of all, sorry about the situation you are in. But let’s be honest, you must have done something along the way to get yourself deemed worthy of 75%-90% off your suggested retail price, because Lord knows I’m not putting any full-price ferns in my cart. I can’t be taking financial risks like that because if history is any indicator, you are going to die soon. 

It’s not intentional, I’m not going to stomp on you or rip you out of the ground before your time has come. You and I, we just don’t see eye to eye. These flower beds you are in, a more apt name would be death beds. There’s no palliative care going on here either because I’m pretty sure death by lack of nutrients and thirst are no easy way to go.

There are a few things that could help our relationship though.

1. Better labeling in the plant section. I would like to suggest a 1-10 difficulty to keep alive scale. Plants labeled as a “1” you can plant in a cave, water them with gatorade and they will THRIVE! “10” plants require 3 hours and 26 minutes of direct sunlight, unicorn tears, and weekly poetry readings to live.
2. Someone in my life that thinks gardening is therapeutic. I’ve heard that these people exist. My husband and I are not these people. This person could come to my yard anytime for free therapy sessions. They don’t even need to call ahead, just show up. I promise if I see a stranger in my flower beds with gardening tools I’m not going to yell at them to get off my property. Instead I’ll bring you a glass of water, a cold beer…WHATEVER YOU NEED FOR YOUR THERAPY!
3. I need you to not need a blanket. I don’t care if there’s a “hard freeze” coming. YOU LIVE OUTSIDE AND ARE PLANTED IN DIRT! You get no blankets. Blankets are for humans with central nervous systems, not greenery. So stop being a wuss and just keeling over after it hits 31 degrees once or twice.

So this Spring, let’s try this once again. Just stay alive this time.

Sincerely,

The Lady with a Black Thumb